Another mental game (excuse the misspelling and grammatical errors)

I once told Kristine there are few people in life that will best me, (pompous I know, but hey it's kinda worked for me so far ;-)) but you are one of them. To that end she is now doing it again. It was a lot easier to have Coach in Colorado and me here. I could secretly moan, whine and bitch about what I was doing. That's all changed. Now Kristine (@coachKGIRLTRIS on twitter) is a coach. So when I complain, instead of oh Trevor poo poo blah blah blah... I get well let's work on form.

I thought that this was going to be easy. I thought my form was pretty good (no I actually thought it was REALLY good and I had some sort of physical limitation an excuse not to perform well.) So everything that Coach Jeff has been preaching and teaching, she can do and show. Oh my ego, now that it is throughly stomped into submission, I start the quest for form.

Now for all of you "Natural Runners" I hate you, I want to join your ranks, but until then I will vow to beat you, at least, on the bike. I know it is not always about winning, but this is part of my personality that I am trying to control and work with. If I squish it, there will be no drive, if I let it "Win" then everything is a competition and NOTHING is fun. Inner demons suck.

So here I am learning new/better form. since I am a Polar Ambassador I am watching my heart rates skyrocket as I try to implement better form. For those of you that follow me on twitter (@indianabackdoc) and facebook (indianabackdoc or Trevor Miller) this is the reason for my quote of the day about "We suck again!" Courtesy of The Waterboy. Learning new form requires a lot of different muscle groups for me. I walk, as coach pointed out, duck-footed. This externally rotates my hips and increases pressure at the insertion of the quadriceps muscle. I am afraid of speed work because that is when my form REALLY breaks down. So I am stuck slowing down again. Eagleman is only 16 weeks away. Can I learn better form and implement it in 16 short weeks? Can I get rid of the hip pain and heal up for a good showing in that amount of time? Oh my swim form has holes in it too, so it is not just run form. I am a little down on myself and beating myself up  I realize, but I feel the pressure. I WANT KONA! I am impatient so I want it now, that is part of the battle. *After thought, hitting that "PERFECT" form is like hitting a great golf shot, or pulling off a perfectly executed plan. It feels good, you use less energy and and for a moment there is ZEN, PEACE and just you being the best you can be at that moment. I think that is the form addiction. While swimming last night I had moments where I was floating, I had stroke counts in the 13 and 14 area. Things just fell in place. Now to get stronger to hold it all together.*

To help alleviate part of the pressures, I almost ALWAYS train alone, I am seeking out others to train with. My fear here is that I will hold them back or they will hold me back and i will not get the most out of my training. I don't have the luxury of having been to Kona already like Vince (@felog on twitter). So I read his blog about his long rides and his intentionally getting lost. I am ALL about the numbers and getting the most out of training. My thick skull says if you are not going "Balls Out" then I am not training and pushing myself to new heights. In this mindset I am also getting injured and augmenting old injuries.

I am starting to realize though that training alone, being alone during all of that is not fun. When I race I bug the crap outta people. As I pass them I strike up conversation (I laugh as I read this). If I see someone else on a Kuota I am always saying "Nice ride." That gets me a look. I have found out a lot of "Racers" don't like someone going "Hey" and zipping by. So to contain my fears of failure, of injury and self doubt I am starting to look for run groups. Funny thing is, my first run group, after scheduling, I got really negative. I was combative with the family. I thought that I was tired. I told Kris I was gonna take a nap and she basically said you NEED a nap. So I went and laid down. My chest was throbbing, my breathing was up, I was having an anxiety attack. I was afraid. I went back out and explained what was going on. What I was afraid of, I don't know if these phobia's are natural or normal, but I have them. The group that I am running with is ALL athletes. I think that a few have done Kona, I know one is trying to get there. So I assume that they are good runners. Talk to coach was the sage advice. Poor coach, if every athlete is like me, dayum! He eased my fears and gave me a workout so I don't MAKE it a race. That is my BIGGEST problem. I need to unleash at races. So I am going to depend on my heart rate monitor to baby sit me during this WORKOUT. Then I getta have a beer with buds afterwards, and isn't that why we really all do this anyway? Acceptance, friends, and camaraderie?

As I read the post over again I see my ADHD has kicked in again. I have jumped the ship a couple of times, but that is me. I am lucky to have family, friends, and most importantly for training coaches to tell me what to do, keep me safe, sane, and centered.

Thanks guys!!!